day65 面對恐懼

事件：
一、今天在治療場上的排列，發現內在還是有悲傷的結構是我不敢去碰的，以致我一直感覺到不安與不安全，原來還是跟家族裡我還沒有承認、看見、沒有放在心上的過世小孩的位置有關，原來一直被下拉的力量快要死掉的來源是這個，不論如何我會連著它這一份好好繼續活的。
二、以及再次做了與母親的獨立宣言，其實也是我跟自己對於關係的罪惡感與依賴感，我想要表達拒絕但又同時擔心破壞關係的矛盾對話，同樣也出現在我跟女友的排列關係上。

過於全能的母親以及無能被牽著鼻子走黏到天荒地老，不曉得自己要幹麻的孩子的劇本，雖然已經很厭煩了，但我還是這樣照著劇本活著我太習慣了。

但仔細想想，我怎麼會不曉得我要幹嘛？只是在關係裡面很容易回到，變得如此不敢想自己要幹嘛，只能拿別人的結構地圖一直覺得別人的比較可靠、我的不值得信任，但又不敢依賴別人、擔心會麻煩到他人。扒拉這矛盾深淵真的太恐怖了。

這一回還是喊出，我需要自己的空間我快窒息了，我需要時間會讓你曉得，我是你會感到驕傲的女兒，謝謝你，接著轉過身，放鬆我的身體。好，現在輪到去想到底要幹嘛了，就要畢業賺錢當個可以抬頭挺胸守信用不會那麼多畏懼與懦弱的人，這麼簡單而已（哪裡簡單了？）我就是性子太急了，才一直去不了要去的地方。

我寬恕自己因為我接受並允許自己對自己不耐煩，怎麼又是同樣的事情發生？怎麼會我怎麼又沒有意識掉入同樣陷阱、我的敏感度到哪裡去了，我現在在什麼狀態我是不是不夠有掌握？

我寬恕自己因為我接受並允許自己感覺到焦急、開始批判自己的需求太幼稚與情緒狀態不穩定、掌握度不夠不專業等等。

我寬恕自已因為我接受並允許自己沒有看到，我可以停止，緩慢回到呼吸，回到身體全部感覺，我不用膨脹、不用撐住、我只要放鬆的經驗就好，我只要放鬆與接納自己就好。

我寬恕自己因為我接受並允許自己沒有看到，我只要放鬆與接納，我就可以信任自己。

我寬恕自己因為我接受並允許自己不敢信任自己。


我承諾自己做一個信守承諾的人，保有自己對人相處的誠信，希望自己如何被對待就如何對待他人。

我承諾自己協助自己跨越自己的抗拒與恐懼，一點一點，即便我真的想要擺爛後悔，我還是最後還是要面對當初所作的決定與考量是吧。

我承諾自己用行動實踐出來，繼續相信我可以在意自己、為自己評估、為在意的關係評估與說話，我可以有我的立場，我可以呼吸出來，讓我自己亂掉的時候在呼吸中回到穩定，不等同於抓取與控制的慾望、不等同於釋放以及找到他人認可或同情或注意的慾望、不等同於不安與恐懼，就單純維持在與確定與瞭解，這是我長期以來約束自己在一個我不情願的狀況之下的反彈後果，並且重新再確定，我要去的方向在哪裡，我在幹嘛。

我承諾自己協助自己去辨識我的行動出發點，去辨識控制與操弄出問題並解決問題、或是
去辨識愛與支援的分別可以及時去創造出來，在呼吸當中釋放我建造出來的能量幻象。





參考資料：

Day 499 - My the force of resistance be with you

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/09/day-499-my-force-of-resistance-be-with.html

The problem is, one do not always know what the journey might require, one can thus not possibly prepare for the journey in any aspect, more specifically an internal journey, a point you are facing, yet there is always another way, instead of continuing climbing the mountain barefoot, one can develop a new skill, the skill of being patient, to not rush, to first climb down the mountain from the first cut on your feet, and to go find your shoes, and then continue the journey, and if one finds again that shoes wasn't the only thing required to climb the mountain, but something else, such as water, one do not continue climbing in the hope that you will reach the top fast enough to not need water, you again breathe and climb down, go fetch water and then continue climbing again, otherwise the resistance is always a choice within a point of ego, wanting to be more than reality, not actually having to change but to only reach the image, idea of change, standing on the top, but no one ever reached the top this way, as the ego always goes when reality gets though.

in this case - comparing the climbing of a mountain journey to the journey of a person walking their own personal process of change, of changing self into the living expression of LIFE, as that what is best for all life, with all the tools provided, such as Breathing, self forgiveness, developing self honesty and common sense.

a person will climb many mountains within themselves, and climbing the mountain will be seen as "strong" and "good" but is it done with resistance continuously, instead of each point of resistance being investigated and taken on to a point of self support, this will mean climbing down, but most judge climbing back down as falling, most will deem it "bad, and thus rather keep on walking with the resistance, till their feet are sore and they are drained from water, the substance of LIFE and actually fail, quit, stop their process, instead of climbing the mountain till there is clarity and everything is seen and thus lived of/as each and every part of how the top was reached and understanding the journey.

see this is what the person that stops at the first point of resistance do, he climbs down to prepare to fetch the shoes, to then again go up again,  and then down again and fetch the water once he sees water is needed, and the go back up, every-time a little bit higher, and this person comes to the top stronger, he comes to the top understanding every dimension of the bottom, every level of the mountain and what is required to climb it, he/she has truly learned, he/she has truly developed self trust, confidence, he has truly built humility with himself, patience, he has developed so much of himself, that he can help the next person climbing the mountain either preparing for it or even prevent each level/each point within climbing the mountain, and thus bring forth change to himself and others much quicker, even though his process took much much longer, he can not climb the mountain for anyone, as everyone must still climb the mountain themselves to reach the top the same, but the journeys will be walked slightly different.

I myself have found through my journey, than when there is a point of resistance within me, that is it something from the past, a point I did not consider even though it bothered me, like a cut in my foot from climbing the mountain, but ignored it - and that it is accumulating more and more, I can handle the pain/resistance on a daily point, but the outcome of doing it this way will and can only lead to one thing, stopping, and thus every time I have a point of resistance within me, even if there are hundreds a day, I take on point of resistance and I climb back within myself, I check what it is that I have ignored, or not taken into consideration, what is it that is causing the resistance and to correct the point, because like walking against a strong wind, you can not see in-front of you, you have to consistently block and shad your eyes from the strong wind, the resistance, and you get irritated and feel like just sitting down somewhere, hoping the wind will calm down to make your journey calmed, but the wind, the force is this time within you. - See more at: http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/09/day-499-my-force-of-resistance-be-with.html#sthash.q5Lx50VD.dpuf